I’m afraid of feeling happy. Why? I know it will all disappear. It always does. I should cherish the moments of happiness that come and go, but I don’t like that it comes and goes. Maybe that’s just a part of life, but I hate it. It’s like me giving you a cure to your disease and then in a short period of time, you no longer have the cure. All you have left is the pain you once had except it gets worse because the pain eased for a while and you forgot how it felt. Now you have to deal all over again. Sometimes it’s better to stay at the bottom. High hopes and expectations always come down. I know it is better to be optimistic and just fight, but it’s hard to move forward when pain weighs more than a ton. Lets see you carry that pain before you judge another person’s struggle. 

One day this pain will pass. I hope it will be soon. 

“I know not everything can be perfect, but I have to believe that it can be just so that fighting for it makes sense.”  

“I am finding out that maybe I was wrong. That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone. Stay with me. This is what I need please…” 

I’m an idiot. I want to do this alone, but I’m not strong enough. I’m scared to accept help, but I really need my friends to stay as I fight this battle. A part of me still wants to push them away when what I need more than anything is their support. They worry about me and ask if I’m doing okay. My response? I don’t listen. I argue. I treat them like shit. I’m a bitch, I’m mean, I’m negative. I hate them. I hate the world. When I’m in pain, I shut my world out and hurt those who try to enter. I hurt those who care. Again, I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t be punishing them. I should be punishing myself. I’m the one who deserves it. 

Sometimes we’re so busy that we don’t even realize we actually have time to slow down and reward ourselves with some me time. Maybe right now is that time? Sit down with a hot cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea. Slowly sip your drink of choice. Don’t focus on all the bad things that happened yesterday or what stresses you will have to face tomorrow, just focus on this moment. This moment is yours. Relax. Take in the aroma and flavors of your drink.

Close your eyes. Let go of the stresses in your mind even if for this one moment and tell yourself I am strong, I am beautiful, and today is going to be a wonderful day. Things only get better when you honestly believe they will. Remember to have courage everyday because you never know how far you will go until you try. Take another sip. Don’t rush yourself. Enjoy :)